Monday, July 28, 2003
Damn dog rolled on a dead, partially-rotted seal. Stinks to high heaven. I'm having nothing to do with him.
Mum's bugging me again. I want to move out of here, survive on my own feet, but I can't even get a tiny job. I can't do anything cos of this lack of energy. And that's why my mum is bugging me in the first place! Just cos I don't leap out of bed and instantly grab my bike, she gets angry at me. Then when I don't go out cycling, she complains, even although she could see for herself that it was no weather to attempt cycling in! Ended up spending my time blowing up ice cream vans in GTA2. Safe way to release pent up anger.
But then this evening my mum decided it was time for another 'quality time' walk with the dog. She keeps trying to do that, trying to 'understand' me. I would have thought she'd have figured by now that I have nothing to say to her. Can't she tell that I'd rather not have anything to do with her? Imbicile!
::blank:: Akuma's nagging in my mind again. I think I'd better go before I move on to other things that are buggin me and she gets released. I'll just ended up breaking my fist against a wall... I wish that wasn't such a likely possibility... Why does this 'thing' have to be in my mind?
Xilmin visited the elves at 09:20 p.m.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
All I'm using Compy for these days is anime and games. ::sweatdrop:: I just can't bring myself to do anything slightly more worthwhile. But it's not like I have anything better to do. Need college to start! I only will have that on 2 days, but least I'll have something to plan for!
Got some neat CDs off of Saku (yeah yeah yeah, to borrow! I won't keep 'em. Although I could do what she did with my Star Wars trilogy CD and just keep them for several years! Oi oi! :S ). Blow Up A-Go-Go rules! I have very strange taste in music, I know. But I like it! :P So catchy! Bah doom doom boom. Bah doo doo doo doom :D Unfortunately the songs I like best aren't actually sung. ::pout::
Also got another Blues Brothers CD too. It's got some great songs on it too. Not from the movie though, so I'm confused. ::sweatdrop:: Unless I've forgotten parts, but I like that movie too much to forget songs! ;) But what's bugging me is where I heard 'Flip, Flop, Fly' before. I know I know it, but not from the movie. I'm sure it was sung by someone else. Grrr! Frustrating!
Flip, flop, fly!
Don't care if I die!
Flip, flop, fly!
Don't care if I die!
Don't ever leave me!
Don't ever say goodbye!
One other CD that I'm really glad I borrowed: the soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs! Ok, I haven't actually seen the movie that I'm aware of, but the songs are neat! Plus that one that was in... what's it? Ally McBeal... with the dancing baby (just plain wrong!)... me likey! ;)
Hoogashaka hooga hooga
Hoogashaka hooga hooga
Hoogashaka hooga hooga
Hoogashaka hooga hooga
I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me
Girl you just don't realise what you do to me
When you hold me in your arms so tight
You let me know verythings alright
I'm hooked on a feeling!
::sweatdrop:: And I thought I had a life, but maybe not when I end up typing lyrics in a blog! :S
Alright alright, what have I actually done today, bar played Grand Theft Auto 2. Watched anime. Matantei Loki Ragnarok just keeps getting better and better! It has one very strange family in it! One son is a snake, the other is a wolf... ::confused:: Really really really wanna read all 'bout norse mythology! Always liked mythology, but now just a little taster of the stuff just ain't enough! :( If only I could read! :S
I got out on bike! Yay! Not very far. Didn't make it to my favourite place. Had to make do with collapsing near houses. Least I had my back to them so I could pretend I'd got 'away from it all'. Didn't spend too long there. By the time I'd gotten there, the sun was disappearing behind clouds already! Typical! What really made me chuffed was I made it up the hill on the way home! Yatta! Yatta! Yatta! Evil hill! But I conquered it! Mwahaha! >D Ok, I'd taken a tiny break at the bottom, fueled up with juice, then tackled the thing, but I'm allowed to do that! It was probably the sugar from the drink that got me up there! ;)
My appetite has really gone screwy! It's not fair! Even when I'm really hungry, and the food is really good, I still can't eat it all! ::sniff:: Still, on the plus side, I have been losing weight. Sure beats stuffing myself while I'm sitting around all day. Now I just wither away while sitting around all day. :S
Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feelihg that something ain't right
I'm so scared incase I fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with me
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with me
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Cos I'm joking all over the place
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with me
Well you start it up with nothing
And you're probably a selfish man
And you're friends, they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say "please... please..."
Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
Cos I don't think I can take any more
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with me
Alright alright alright! I'm done. I'm done. I'm done! ...Actually while I'm adding completely pointless stuff, here's something else I did today:
1. First Name: Xilmin
2. Were you named after anyone? My name is most definitely unique! >)
3. Do you wish on stars. Used to, before my mind kept giving me the scientific reply of "they're just balls of gas burning billions of miles away" ;)
4. Which finger is your favorite? Index finger. It points, it pushes, it pokes. It's so versatile! ;)
5. When did you last cry? last night, complete with a Stitch silhoette staring at me :S
6. Do you like your handwriting? Yup, cos it's mostly illegible, particularly to those I don't want to read my stuff. ;)
7. What is your favorite lunch meat?: Don't usually have meat at lunch... but fav meat of all is steak. mmmm... sirlion steak! ::drools::
8. Any bad habits?: Hmmm... probably... but I can't think of any. I don't notice any, and I don't recall anyone complaining about anything... well, cept when my elbows and knees go backwards, but that's not my fault. It's genetic! :p ... and that's not exactly a habit anyway. :S
9. What is your most embarrassing CD?: Pokemon: The First Movie! Haven't listened to that in *ages*. But it's just so funny! :D
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?: Hmmm... depends on which 'me' it would be... but then again... probably not. :S
11.Daredevil? Hah? ::shrugs::
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: Nope, but that's probably cos I forget everything that is told to me within 10 minutes. ;)
13. Do looks matter?: Depends... if I'm just after some drooling material, then absolutely! ;) but generally, no.
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: Probably, but no one else ever knows what the word is either so it doesn't really matter. ;)
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: A rainbow is just colours created from sunlight shining through drops of water, so of course not... but then again, they look so purty! ;)
16. Do fish have feelings?: Probably. I'm sure I read an article once that said they did tests on fish that proved they did react to pain. So they must have!
17. Are you trendy?: Absolutely not. I wear the same style of clothes year after year... correction, I just simply wear the same clothes (even when technically they are too small). ;)
18. How do you release anger? : Claw my hands off. Or beat the crap out of the floor or the walls. If I didn't, anyone around me would be in danger so it's best that way. :S
19.Hey! Where am I?: The same place I am every day. My room, fighting with Compy.
20. Do you trust others easily????: Absolutely not. I try to stay as far from everyone as possible. :S
21. What was your favorite toy as a child?: Stuffed deer I named Bambi. We went through so many things and went to many places together. Like the time she nearly caught on fire (yes, my Bambi is a 'she'! :P ). Nice and warm after that. Great for glomping! ;)
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless?: Religious Education! Nobody should be forced to take that thing! Everybody should be able to have their own belief system rather than having others forced down their throat! >(
23. Do you like sappy love songs?: not in the slightest! unless I get to muck around with the lyrics, or just generally mock the sappiness of it!
24. Have you ever been on radio or television?: not that I'm aware of. I hope not. Cos I know it can't have been for a good thing! :S
25. Do you have a journal?: Yup. Ramble pretty much on a daily basis!
26. Do you use sarcasm a lot?: No, of course not. I would never use something like that! :P
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: Nope
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl? Oh, this will be interesting... I like cute. I like sexy. I like just plain weird! I like geeks. Then again I like idiots! Needs to be able to make me laugh (whether they actually mean to has nothing to do with it ;) ). But one thing that is absolutely a must is a *lot* of patience! My terms of affection drive ppl crazy. ::poke. poke poke. poke poke poke:: >) Hmmm... I know there is plenty more... Don't care whether they be good or evil, since I'm debateable myself. ;) But generally I like having someone to protect... or to protect me. If I can get both in one, WOOHOO! ::coughs:: moving on!
29. What are your nicknames?: Xi... Hmmm... now let's see how many of the rest I can run off: Muff Muff the Muffin Woman, Man-Stealer-Trunks-Squisher, Ketchup Woman, Master of the Matrix, Lady of the Elves, The Ultimate Rambler, The Destroyer of Squiggles and The Previous Controller of the Eggy Bread! ... bound to be more, but it's hard enough remember all that! :S
30. Would you bunjee jump?: No... not unless there was cash in it for me. ;)
31.Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: Yeah. Otherwise my shoes would be following off my feet all the time, cos they'd be too loose. :S
32. What are you worried about right now?: Being useless. Being of no help. Desperate to try and do something, but not knowing enough to be of any good, so I just get in the way instead
33. Ever wear overalls?: Nope... not that I can recall anyway :S
34. Do you think that you are strong?: No way!
35. What is your favorite kind of ice cream?: Anything weird. The weirder (and grosser it seems) the better! ;)
36. What's your favorite color?: Depends on my mood. Lately I've been in a blue mood a lot. But I've always liked red. Yellow is great. Fun and bright! White is pretty and relaxing. Then again, black is always great when I wanna be evil. And every so often, I like green, just for good measure.
37. What is your least favorite thing in the world?: Humans!
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: Those are those ones that come in later, right? ::feels around with her tongue:: I can feel them, but they're still under the gums. :S
39. How many people have a crush on you right now?: ::laughs her head off and falls out her chair. When she tries to get back up, sees herself in the mirror and ends up back on the floor again:: Yeah, like that would ever happen! ::still laughing hysterically::
40. Who do you miss most right now?: That's a really dumb question to ask me! Pan-chan of course! ... ::sweatdrop:: and I saw her just yesterday! :S
That should do it for today, I guess. Ah, I have more Slayers Next, plus I need to eat supper. Supposed to have food in my stomach before I take pills. :S Sayonara!
Xilmin visited the elves at 09:52 p.m.
Friday, July 25, 2003
I really think I'm developing a life. Wow! Go me! ;) Not going to be here for the evening tonight. Off to visit Pan-chan. ::sweatdrop:: Wasn't anticipating that! ;)
And yesterday I was with Saku. She was bored and came with me when I went into town with my mum. Got a new sleeping bag since the other one I got was ripped within a couple of days. This one is thinner, yet warmer, not to mention lighter, and more pricey so that should mean more reliable too! Needed it for the camping trip to Arran that is being organised for the clan. I try to stay out of the organising side of things. I just tag along until they have a need for an evil genious. ;)
Got a magazine for me to read too! I've given up attempting to go through the book I had before. Magazines are so much easier to concentrate on, since they are split up into lots of little sections. I've got to work one step at a time afterall. I plan to be writing for publishing within a year (well, I want to be, but I know I can't rush it or I'll just end up a mess and I'll get nowhere), so I really wanna work hard on this stuff. It's a decent magazine too. Not celebrity or pop crap. 'Focus: The magazine of science and discovery' Yes, I'm a geek, and I'm proud! :P
Read something that really amused me, not to mention confused me, in it. "Art students plan to implant the DNA of a woman into a tree when she dies, creating a kind of living gravestone." I thought I could anticipate humans even just slighter, but that idea I can not understand in the slightest! All I could come up with for 10 minutes after reading that was: "What? What? Why? Why? WHY?" ::sweatdrop:: Yes, the human species is a strange and unpredictable race.
Anyway, I think the dog should have finished eating his dinner by now, so it's time to walk him. Then I'm outta here for the night. Itekimasu!
Xilmin visited the elves at 07:19 p.m.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
::beats 'explorer' to a pulp:: So much for all I typed. Explorer goes and crashes on me and I lose the lot of it. Nearly managed to save it too, but it kept insisting it was dying. Stupid bloody evil thing! ::grumble grumble::
Better go get supper and watch Slayers Next to cheer myself up before I start punching walls again! :S Sayonara!
Xilmin visited the elves at 10:05 p.m.
Monday, July 21, 2003
How can someone so evil be so pathetic? I know I haven't changed, since all my ideals are all still there. So it's not like I've stopped being so heartless. Yet...
Right now I'm making a decision. I know this decision will depress me, but right now, I'm not in the best of states so it's not going to make much of a difference really, in the short term. It's the long term I'm looking out for. I have to put myself first. It's just a question of if I really can, if I really want to, if I'm really able to... I'm going to sleep on it tonight before I do or say anything rash, but I'm not coping too well as it is, so...
I think I'll have an early night. I'll probably just end up lying there crying, but no one's here anyway so it doesn't matter. I need time to think anyway...
Xilmin visited the elves at 09:47 p.m.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Stupid mother! Complaining I don't have enough friends and I shouldn't rely on the ones I have. ::growls:: Like hell I want to know more ppl! But apparently that's why she wants me to do the volunteer work so badly: to meet ppl. ::sigh:: Doesn't seem to click in her head that I would rather not know the majority of the human race. :S Still, I've been ordered to phone the volunteer place tomorrow to organise the meeting with the website-wanting person. But if it requires too much from me and they still don't pay me, they can forget it! Lately I haven't been wanting to use the computer all that much (apart from anime and blogging ;) ). So if it ain't fun, or I don't get bribed with cash, then they have no chance of keeping me there. ;)
I'm going to Saku's in less than an hour. Actually 10 minutes if that clock is right. Better be quick here then...
Watched that remake of the Time Machine today on DVD. Just noticed we had it (and avoiding the computer), I watched it. It's actually quite good. Want to read the book! :) If only I could read books! ::grumbles:: >( It just bugged me at the end. It seemed kinda rushed after the pace of the beginning. And then a bad guy who explains everything and actually just lets the guy go? That should never happen! But other than that, I really really liked. Cool effects! Plus the future future world looks so so cool, living right on cliffs. So neat! :D Wonder when we got the DVD. My dad probably bought it. He's been buying a whole load of DVDs recently. He says it's for something to do in the caravan when he's away, but he tends to leave them behind when he's gone (like now) :S
Watched the latest DN Angel episode. YES! I liked that episode! Dark having the ability to randomly appear any time, CPR with what's-his-name... Hiwatari-kun. Mwahahaha! I like! >D Can't wait for more!
My energy seems kinda zapped after my holiday. Must have gotten out of the habit of doing exercise while I was away. ::sniff:: Sucks! Can't make it to my favourite spot on the bike any more. Can barely make it to the beach (and that's downhill. Coming back is hell!). Need to get out more I guess. But it feels so crap to not get anywhere. :S
Ooh, apparently that's my mum ready to give me a lift to Saku's. Gotta go! Be back when I'm back! Rock-a-bye me dinosaur! ;)
Xilmin visited the elves at 06:58 p.m.
Saturday, July 19, 2003
I was crying so bad this afternoon someone might as well have died! ::sigh:: So in other words, contrary to what I said earlier, I did no work! I sat under the shower for an hour. Then I came out, wandered around in a towel, reminiced about a few things and I started to cry. And I didn't stop for an other hour and a half! By that time I ran out of liquid in my body and had to go get a drink. :S The tears kept lunging at me, going "Let me out! Let me out! No, I don't wanna... Let me out! Let me out! No, I don't wanna" Bloody awkwardness! So I just sat, glomping a stuffed bunny and watched Figure 17 to try and cheer me up (maybe not the best choice, considering that made me cry when I firsted watched it. I didn't get far enough into it though to get to the sad stuff anyway). But seriously, it's amazing how pathetic I can be. I don't know how anyone puts up with me! :S
It's kinda awkward, trying to cook when my eyes keep blurring over with the tears (particularly when I can't cook in the first place). But I'm really impressed. I managed to cook chicken and rice and it was edible. The chicken might even have been considered nice. Ok, my mum had prepared that and I just needed to shove it in the oven, but that's not the point! :P The rice I did all by myself, and it worked! First time I've done it! What d'yah know, I can fend for myself (to a point anyway).
Tsukurimashou! Tsukurimashou!
Sate sate nani ga dekiru kana
Damn that tune! Damn Azumanga Daioh! Damn Chiyo-chan! ... but I like the lot of 'em. ::hangs head pathetically:: You know, I think I should just leave. Least my mood has somewhat improved (hmmm... wonder why... ::looks as innocent as she can and skuttles off:: ... 'skuttles'... what a fun word... is it a real word? Ah, I dunno, but it's cool none the less. :P ::glomps bunny and starts singing again::
Lu la lu la piano wa sekai no yume saku roharu no melody
Kowareta dokeira shinjite jukaan wa dare wo mikata
Doshite konani watashi no mune
Yes shite dare kao maderu no
Oshiete suteki wa mirai moonlight moonlight sleeping
Lu la lu la omoi wa ringo ni
Mezame wa shoujo nii kisu shite
Setsunaku hirogeta hon ni wa futari no bell garu yo
Dakushimetaikara hitoshi hito
Mou nakanaide ne goodbye sadness
Fushigi na tobira wo mojiwa sora mimi cake
Wonderland youkosu kimi ni wa
Fairyland aimo mahou nano
Loves away mainichi fuwa fuwa
Konniyo yuuwaku
Cake for you tabete konnawa
Tea for you seizano ochakai
Madoni tenshi no chorus kimi ni wa sora mimi suki da yo suki da yo no koe
Azumanga Daioh rules! :D But I'm off before I start trying to type lyrics to Rasberry Heaven! ;) Plus I need supper, and considering I only got a couple of hours sleep last night, I should get to bed soon. Having said that, I'm surprisingly alive. Crying must be revitalising or something. ;) I'll be around tomorrow. Although Saku is going to have me go over at some point so maybe I won't be here. ::shrugs:: Whatever happens happens. I wanna watch 1 episode of something now anyway. Just a question of 'what?' ;)
Xilmin visited the elves at 10:14 p.m.
Saturday, July 19, 2003
What am I supposed to do with me? This is going to be a somewhat of a different from yesterday. I'm probably just being PMSy or something, but whatever. I keep making a big deal of what pathetic problems I have. Like they are anything worth crying over! BAH! >(
But life still goes on
I can't get used to livin' without livin' without livin' without you by my side
I don't want to live alone
God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can't you see
I've got to break free!
Well that pretty much somes it up. :S Woke up at 7:30 and went for a wander by the river, rambling to myself as usual, trying to chase away tears. ::groans:: Pathetic! I was going on about how I wish I had realised when I went to secondary school, it wasn't a new start where things were going to be perfect. There weren't going to be ppl who were like me and would get on with absolutely no problems. What was I thinking? No matter how hard I try, I never see a future where I am not alone. And I can't imagine my future ever changing. So getting to know ppl now is just asking for trouble.
Sure, there of course have been some good times, some great times. But I just can't forget the bad times. I should have choosen a neutral life instead of juggling happy with sad. I'm not built to deal with it! I can't cope! To be honest, I don't believe good things should ever happen to me anyway. It's not like I'm worth anything.
I did have some fun yesterday with Pan-chan. Being attacked by our food (It bit back!). Being attacked by the hose. Attacking with the hose. >) But good times always end and I wish reminising only brought back good memories. :(
I've got the house to myself today so least I don't need to worry about keeping a 'happy' face around parents (not that I usually look all that happy anyway). That'll help a little. I think I'll try and work harder on Compy today. Been for that walk down to the stepping stones at the river so that can count for the main exercise I need. Just sat in the rain, mind saying something along the lines of "it'll wash away the problems that you don't really have". Still, that atmosphere after the rain really is refreshing, particularly in the morning. I do like mornings, I just wish I didn't need to get up for them. ;) There was the woman and her son (presumably) camping just next to the stepping stones. I thought that would be such a great way to live. Maybe a little tougher, but it gets rid of problems that comes with owning a house. I would really like to live like that. Save a whole load of cash! ;) But then I realised: no electricity! I'd need my own rechargeable generator or something, plus some sort of wireless connection to the net, or I just wouldn't be able to cope! Well, unless I really wanted to get away from everything. Anyway, the woman kept coming over to talk to me, offering that I come sit next to the fire to keep warm and that sort of thing. Didn't seem to dawn on her that I was there to get away. :S
Got a stupid bruise under my eye. It's all swollen. Feels like I've been punched in the face. How? I don't think I have been. But then, thinking about it, this isn't the first time. The day I left for holiday, I was sporting a wonderful purple lump over my eye. Looked like eye-shadow gone wrong! ;) Who keeps punching me? Unless during my sleep, I'm sleepwalking and Ryusuke is up to his old tricks and 'insulting' a load of ppl. :S But this bruise also reminded me of more pain I had at the beginning of the holiday. I think I pulled a muscle in my back or something on the boat from turning around looking at the view, cos afterwards I could barely move. I was crippled! I felt like an old man! :S That didn't leave me alone for at least a couple of days. ::sigh:: Spent a lot of time lying on my back, muttering "Don't move!" Even just a grin could somehow cause pain to shoot up my back. How that works, I don't know, but it seriously hurt!
I guess that's all. I think I'll go watch some anime then I might as well have a shower. Maybe I should even have breakfast! ... nah... I think I'm starving myself. I keep refusing to give myself food. I'm losin' weight though, I think. Ppl get pissed when I complain about my weight. Everybody seems to think I'm skinny. :S Well I'm not light anyway. And that can seriously piss me off at times. Just cos I have sharp bones that stick out and are reknowned for injuring ppl doesn't mean I'm thin! I'm not happy and that's what matters! :P ...but I really need to take a pill this morning and I'm supposed to take it with food. ::sigh:: I guess I need to do that, or I'll be feeling like serious crap later. I suppose an apple can't hurt. ;)
I'll go and get that apple then. I plan to do plenty of work on Compy (don't have anything else to do anyway) so I might come back later and ramble bout what I did, if it's noteworthy anyway. Ja!
Xilmin visited the elves at 11:17 a.m.
